Wednesday, October 28, 2009

whose mind

so I have been dwelling on the words "whose mind"

My mind. My mind has been driven by my emotions. I have been overcome with fears and all the evils that lurk. While you might say that "it's normal." I say "it might be."

But I don't want to be normal. I want to be secure. Secure in knowing that I will be taken care of and healed. I want to be secure that when I envision my surgery day I know that all will be right and just. That the day will be perfect. Doesn't that sound weird? Often you hear people describe wanting a day to be perfect as their wedding day. Well this surgery day is kinda like a wedding day because my small intestine will be reworked and reconnected to my body in a way that will need to be with me "till death do we part." So yes. I want to picture that day perfect.

I trust that it will be. Each day more and more. I know that God will bless me that day. That he will instruct the doctors and nurses to use their minds and hands to create in me a new and wonderful plumbing system.

So "whose mind" is finding peace, diving into the pool of God's peace. I am. I am trusting in Him and I will be swaddled in comfort that is peace. I will not be afraid.

Focusing on Isaiah 26:3

Monday, October 26, 2009


I went to some pre surgery counseling today.
It was refreshing and gave me a great perspective.
A new way I MUST look at things.
I have been running on emotions and I must let my mind take control of my thoughts.
I must not run SCARED but rather run with TRUST.

Something I am thinking about tonight is Isaiah 26:3
Specifically the words "whose mind" in that scripture.

When I switch my thinking and my views (not self centered but Christ centered) I will find that I will be more at peace. I believe this to be true.

If you would like to leave me a verse that you like to TRUST in please feel free to do so.

Till the next post I am thankful for all the blessings in my life. I am confident that I will be taken care of and carried at times when I can walk no more.

God has blessed me with a "long" small intestine, I believe this to be true. Amen.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Just when you need it most.

Yesterday was a terrible day. Today was better. For the last few days I have had the antsy pants. Very emotional pants. I have been stressed to the max. I have felt my heart race in my chest so hard I thought I might be finishing a marathon. Something I have never done mind you. Though, I can imagine that might be a hefty beating heart at the end. I have felt my blood rushing though my veins, trying desperately to get through them. Made me wonder if they were clogged.

I did have some wonderful help from some MOPS moms last night through calls, prayers and emails. I thank you. I was able to feel a little better just talking with my mom about the run of the mill stuff....I didn't have the heart to tell her I was troubled. She is miles away and I didn't want her to worry. Sorry mom.

Today. Today though was a brand new day. We all slept in like almost 8am. We had morning baths and drove to the zoo. Rode the train, rode the carousel, saw the biggest elephant, giggled at the meerkats, awed at the giraffes, shared pizza and got a little wet from a bit of rain. We came home had awesome naps, all of us napped. Then we had early dinner, breakfast for dinner...yummy! Headed off to dance, back for a fruit snack and off to bed. Oh today was so much better. You wouldn't have even thought that days before I was thinking I was having a heart attack! So glad today was a happy and a non anxious day!

What made today extra special and gave me something to fixate on now that the kids are in bed are the two sweet things that were sent my way. Funny that I am pretty sure each of these women didnt realize when creating and writing would they mean so much at just this very moment. Two items filled with grace. My mailbox about sung praises when I opened it and found a card, the kind of card that you can feel the hug as you read the words. Thank you Dallas for taking the time to write those words in that card. Than I received an adorable scripture flip book from my neighbor Michelle. I love it and it's perfect!

So those two items along with the wonderful day with my babies really did this mama some good just when I needed it most!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

New 30 day countdown

So in one month I will be having my surgery. I will at this time (it's 9am while typing) will be under for at least 45 minutes so far. That is if the surgery starts at 815am as scheduled. So I guess it is official, my mind and heart are pounding and as each day draws closer I am sure I will be a ball of emotions. But I do know for sure that I have God's arms around me, asking me not to be afraid.
I will try to listen. For now, one day at a time.
Enjoy your weekend and if I might, remind you to pray for a "long" small intestine please.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Count down gearing up again

So it is getting closer to another 30 day count down until surgery.
I am not feeling as anxious at the moment. However, I do not want a repeat performance of the last 48 hours prior to surgery. Just say no to unexpected home caused renovations!

I am pretty sure that as the clock winds down and the day approaches I will feel the anxiety and emotions overtake me. I just roll that way. But for now I am going to be "present" in all that I can do and will be doing in the days prior to my surgery. For there will be days ahead of me that I will not be altogether with it after the big removal.

So here is to happy thoughts, whole hearted prayer and joyful days!


Thursday, October 8, 2009


Called in to see what my portion of the surgery will be with just the doctor this morning.
I knew it would be more than the 370.00 I was to pay if my surgery had stayed scheduled back in September. Our new insurance calendar year started October 1st and originally we had hoped to avoid this but with what happened unexpectedly to the house I felt that too much chaos would be to hard so I pushed the surgery back. I pushed it back and back it went to the start of all the new deductibles, etc that come when the insurance year starts. The good thing is the follow up surgery will be at 100% come late January.

I know I shouldn't be all doom and gloom about a now $546 due to the doctor. I mean I could not have insurance. I could have insurance that doesn't cover as much as this does. But man....I could buy me the stroller I have been dreaming of with that money.

My husband reminds me that I'd have a nice stroller but might not get to enjoy pushing it if I don't have the surgery. So BOB will have to wait.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Mom's flight is booked

So yesterday I was "thinking" of moving my surgery date for very self absorbed reasons....non medically!!!

My mother either must have been thinking of me or she must have seen my post. Because low and behold this afternoon after bible study I found a email from US Airways with a travel itinerary attached to it. It was my mom's one way flight information.

Well I guess I cant disappoint, so the show will go to speak.

Monday, October 5, 2009

November 17th

That is the day my surgery has be rescheduled for. So again the waiting starts, the anxiety comes and goes. My biggest concern today is should I postpone the surgery until after the new year. I know, I know. I have to get it done. I have to do what is best. I just would like to feel 100% during the holidays.

I am almost certain that I will always find an excuse but seriously the thought of pushing it back for my own holiday happiness doesn't sound so bad to me. BUT. BUT what if waiting causes issues. I would never know now would I. Only one knows for sure and He certainly isn't going to disclose that too me. So. So I shall dwell on this thought for a while. I learned today that worry and mediation have the same mechanical functions just a difference in thoughts. So basically if you know how to worry, you know how to meditate. Never thought of it that way. I know for sure I am a worrier. Off to meditate.